As I write this I feel like I have a giant hole in my heart and a knot in my throat, neither of which let me breathe or talk or pretend I am my usual self. This is because my best friend, my sister, my baby left me at 4 AM of the 12th of March and the pain from losing her is so strong and so unbearable I have not stopped crying since.
Right now I do not have enough strength or enough fight in me to just get up, put myself together, remember her with a giant smile on my face and push through the pain. I am not even sure I want to push through it really, all I want is to have my little precious whiskered angel back, as happy and healthy as she was before, and I would give literally anything for that to happen.
Because yes, she was healthy. The kidney problem that got her an hospitalization at the beginning of the month seemed much, much worse than it really was. It turned out, her right kidney had just stopped working, and the right one was doing a beautiful job for the both of them, though eventually, in maybe 4 years, she would need some more serious medical care. Still nothing major. But while I forced her vet to do every exam I deemed important (I went to med school once, veterinary means different biological values and less resources but the same basis), all of them came back good and apparently she had the functions of a fairly young cat.
And she was happy too. Just an hour before all this nightmare, she was grabbing my legs and pretending to bite my ankles in an attempt to get me to play with her. I gave her two loving soft pats on the butt to let her know I wanted to play too, and as soon as she stopped playing and asked for a kiss I picked her up, put her right in the middle of our bed, gave her a kiss on the forehead and joined her while I watched videos on my laptop.
Yet, somehow, she was curled up by me sleeping peacefully, when she just laid her head on my leg and went soft. She used to do this when she was really really sleeping, so I petted her head but something felt strange. When I shook her to wake her, as I used to do, she stayed soft, held on to me with her little paws somehow and I noticed her sweet little eyes full of fear craved on my own eyes, silently begging me for help. At that moment, my world collapsed and I desperately yelled my lungs out crying for my mum so that we would take my baby to the ER, just as she died on my hands. It took my mom 1 second to run into my room after I started yelling and when she took my baby on her own arms, she was already gone. When my mom hugged her with tears filling up her eyes and told me she was gone, my heart broke into a million little pieces and I collapsed on the floor crying my heart out. All I remember after that is laying my baby down on a blanket, laying myself down on the floor right by her, call my boyfriend to let him know and cry until morning came.
Ever since then, I can barely sleep, eat or stop crying and it took me 5 days alone to come here and write this, though I can not even see straight from all the tears while I am typing. The reason why I am writing this is I wanted to let you know I will be taking some time off and why. Probably a somewhat long time. Right now I can not find the strength to keep myself together long enough to do anything even remotely productive. All I do is college projects in an attempt to get the image of her last moment out of my mind, and let me tell you it is not working so I end up doing nothing, I lay in bed with my boyfriend holding me while I cry and cry, and while I got a new job I did not start yet, I am seriously considering turning it down now even though it is all set because I do not have the peace of mind to be the good programmer I usually am and do the good job I know I can do. Here in the blog, for now, I will not be able to write the kind of content I want to write the way I want to write it, so until I feel better I am not writing at all. I will take some time to calm myself down, hold myself together and be able to think straight, and then I will be back.
It is 3.40 AM right now and I am dreading the moment when I will have to turn my lights off and try to sleep, because she used to sleep under the covers laying against my side, with her beautiful head on my shoulder and her little paw on my hand, and not feeling her here just breaks my heart, but I will try.
In case any of you want to talk to me about something, as I have been getting some emails, my email address is here on the contacts page so feel free to drop a line or two.
Thank you everyone, and a special thanks goes for the love of my life, who has been taking care of me. making sure I eat somewhat decently, giving me a loving shoulder to cry on and overall supporting me, and also for my mom, who is just as heartbroken as I am but finds it easier to deal by hiding her feelings while she does her best to help me.
If love alone could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
Wait on me, baby. As soon as I leave here, I am coming to get you never to let you go again.